5:30 am. Sitting here sweating at work waiting to go home. Worked on a friends ford nightmare today. I'm thinking there might be a problem with the idle control valve or the the o2 sensor. I'm hoping to rule out the fuel pump because it would suck to replace. Its in the gas tank. Anyway I just hope I can get it going for her.
Tired. Thinking about hiring a sitter for g. At least hell be 1 soon. That should help.

sitting tired at work. thinking. experimenting with situations in my
mind. trying on different proverbial hats and finding most of them
ugly. wondering if i create my enemies. wishing i was going to fsg.
knowing i get to spend the weekend alone with my little boy. loving my
little boy. now im thinking about gavin.
tired. was up for 24 hours (again) sunday-monday. had gavin all day
monday and about 4 hours sleep b4 c got home. didnt get back to sleep
so im exhausted. luckily i had a really easy night. i have gavin again
today so no rest in sight. i really thought my sis in-law was gonna
watch him more than this. i stopped looking for a sitter and now im
still exhausted all the time. errrrrgh...
i lost 24 pounds in the last couple months. ahhh the benefits of
sleep deprivation. tired. tired but ok. happy. more happy than not for
sure.

im just sittin here at work thinking about how crazy and wonderful my
life is. for those ofyou that dont know, i have all 3 golden girls
autographed pictures hanging in my stairwell. every time c or i take
gavin down the stairs he always tries to grab bea arthur. im not sure
why he favors bea over rue or betty. he must have is reasons.
he has also been in a constant struggle to get his hands in the dogs
water bowl. strange child. anyone surprised? me neither!
so ive been working by myself at night for almost 2 weeks. the yoyo
guru has been on days so im left with no yoyo guidance. its been
boring as hell. im glad i have a 3 day weekend his week. my and c's
anniversary is in a week. yay cori!!!! i have no idea why shes put up
with me this long and i hope she knows how much i love her.
i guess im gonna go pretend to work for a bit. maybe the time will
go by quicker.

there is no way to describe how i feel right now. nope. none at all.

im just sitting here at work playing with my phone again. had a nice
evening with cori. we watched ghostbusters2. i forgot how funny it is.
all star cast as well. aside from the ghostbusters themselves, it
included ben stein, bobby brown, cheech marin, and a few others. so
after the movie c was making her lunch for tomorrow and she had this
pink yogurt that was a close relative of the slime running under new
york city. so i proceded to make scary noises while wiggling a large
vat of yogurt at c. well, then i spent 10 minutes cleaning yogurt off
the stove. the moral of the story is, dont try this at home!

posting from my blackberry. yay. thank you mordecai .

  Here I sit. 2:44 AM. I got home from a great evening about an hour ago. had some much needed time to talk with friends face to face. It's nights like these that really help me sort things out.
  I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am and who I appear to be to others. Since Gavin is a little older now, he's developed his own sense of self and seeing that allows me to look at myself. almost a year has gone by since he was born and the entire time I've skipped right over my own development and here I sit trying to sort out who I am now.  I've been flooding myself with music lately like I used to when I was a kid. I've been learning songs on guitar and piano for once instead of favoring one. The music I think is what is really keeping me going lately. It's been a mix of Bob Marley and a Dutch Gothmetal band called Within Temptation. Interesting combo I know. It's funny when I get stuck on certain bands for a while, it becomes a memory trigger. I was listening to ALOT of U2 when Cori and I started dating. Now every time I hear U2 it brings me right back to the magic I felt then. So, my point is that I wonder what part of the last few weeks will be marked "Bob Marley" in my mind. I think I know but, I'm not telling!!!
  So I'm going to stop trying to write some profound introspective thing because I'm just too drained to do so. I've been so sleep deprived lately that I've begun to function in a waking sleep state. Usually when I get home from work at 7:30 AM I'll get something fairly substantial to eat before I try to sleep. Lately I've been so tired that I just come in the door and lay on the couch and fall asleep no matter how hungry I am. Well, Lately I've been getting uo to go to the bathroom or to get something for Gavin and I'll eat something without knowing it until I wake up. I've been changing and tending to my baby in this same state. I usually get maybe 2 hours from 8am to 10am then I'm up with Gavin till about 12 or 1. Then he sleeps with me sometimes so if I'm lucky, we sleep for 2 more hours until 3pm when he's hungry. Then I'm usually up till 5 or so when Cori gets home and I'll get maybe another 2 hours if I go back 2 sleep at all. Then on Friday mornings I only sleep for a couple hours that way I can get some sleep Friday night in order to be awake Saturday during the day. Then I sleep Saturday night and lately staying up from Sunday morning until Monday morning when I get home from work. And here I am at 3 am at home with plenty of time to sleep and I'm not fucking tired because it's night time!!!!!
   Anyway, We decided to get a sitter so I can sleep for 8 hours maybe 3 times a week. At a tune of roughly 100$ a week. So, Cori's sister found out we were looking for a sitter and said she wanted to watch him for us during the summer. Wonderfull!!!!  Great person I know and trust completely with my baby watching him for free no less!!! Well, school isn't over for another week or two. Harumph!!!!!! I've been doing this for 7 months!!!! What have I learned from this? I love my son. I hate Disney movies! Couches suck for your back. pacifiers are elusive by nature. Mind you it stays put when being sucked but once that sucking process is done.... WHAM that fucker disapears! Causing the very sleepy cranky daddy to search in wierd places. I can't coun't the times that I've found the damn thing in my shoe!!!! I don't think they run to avoid being sucked. Hell everybody likes to be sucked. I think they run for some fullfillment of a primal hunter, prey fantasy. Maybe the plastic was made with the fat or oils of an animal who is used to being preyed upon. The fear and will to survive carries on even through the material processing, molding, packaging, and sale! That is a resilient product!!!!! Can any one tell that I need to go to sleep?

Went for a small hike w my sister and Gavin this morning. Very beautiful morning. Gavin had a good time. I had him strapped to my chest. He just wiggled his little feet the whole time. Very cool. Cori has been sick which sucks. She just got over a cold now she's got another one. Poor monkey!!!

Just sitting here with G listening to him grunt and produce something fun for me to clean up. I've been working on some writing for an hour or so since he woke up. Hopefully a babysitter will appear soon. I did get like 3 1/2 hours though. not too bad I guess.
  So I'm back into the swing of shit after the great vacation.
   Cool pic huh? Let's take a vote. Who thinks I'm a sexy bitch?

Cheers from England!!!! Cori, Gavin, and I have been in the UK for a few days now. We're having a great time.  We've seen Big Ben, The national Gallery, Westminster Abbey.... Tomorrow we're going to Chalice Well and Stonehenge. Thursday we're going to see "Wicked" in the West End. I'm actually driving a Ford Fiesta to Glastonbury and then on to Stonehenge. Hope you all miss us!!!!

 Here I am at 6:30 AM posting for the first time in probably months. I spent the whole last week severely sick with the flu. I only took one day off due to financial reasons. The thing that really sucked is that I would struggle through work all night to come home and sleep for 3 hours before Gavin would wake me up. Then I'd be up till C got home after 5PM. Then I would go back to sleep for 3 hours and go to work. All the while with a fever, stomach issues, headache, etc.... So, C set it up with her mom that she would take G Friday morning so I could sleep. Oh boy did I sleep!!! I went to sleep about 9:30 AM Friday morning and I woke up an hour and a half ago very hungry and dehydrated, not to mention kinda stinky. I slept for almost 20 hours straight!!! So now I'm up, showered, fed, watered, and dressed. My lower back is sore from sleeping so long, but I'll live. I actually feel about 90%. Maybe even 95%.
  This sickness taught me a few things. First of all it caused me to finally quit smoking completely. I haven't had a cigarette in almost 5 days. Also, it taught me that I am not Superman and I cannot work nights and watch an infant during the day. G will be starting daycare shortly after we return from England on April 3rd. Not only will this allow me to have a semi-normal sleep schedule, but it will give me about 6 extra hours each day. That means more time for the love of my life (yes, Cori, I mean you), Balefire, and hobbies. It will also free me up enough to fix the many broken things around the house that have been neglected all winter.
  It's funny how it takes something as horrible as a crippling sickness to put things into perspective. I have been sleep walking through life for the better part of six months now because I was unwilling to admit my own mortality. Not only have I physically damaged myself, but I have also shorted my wife and child on the love and care that they both deserve. 
  A man is not measured by his silent suffering or his ability to keep quiet when he should be crying. The measure of a man is realizing his shortfalls and having the courage to do something about them.
  I think you will all start to see some major changes occurring in me this spring. Who knows, maybe I'll even post on LJ!

I have decided to change my email address because Yahoo sucks and I get too much spam to effectively keep track of my important mail. So my new address is msseqouia@gmail.com. Please note the spelling. Please email me with your addresses so i don't have to try and figure them out. Even you new people in my life! YOU TOO!!!!!!
   Thanks
  Sequoia

 
HOLY SHIT!!!!!
 I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY HANDS ON THIS!!!!!!
Can I be a JUICY Crone?

 I figured I might as well post something while I'm sitting here and it's still quiet. Samhain was great! Everyone did a wonderful job. I was very pleased with the organization and patience of everyone involved. Also, Balefire's members truly shined and did a great teamwork job! This group is becoming quite the family.
  It was wonderful too see so many people that I otherwise only see in Maryland. I look forward to seeing you all again soon!
  You all kick ass!!!!!!!

 I just figured I'd post a pic of Gavin. He was 1 hour old in this picture. See you all soon!

 I figured I would post for all of you that I've neglected in the recent days. C and G are doing very well. The first couple days with G were very tough. I think we've got it down now though. My sister says that he is cuter than the baby Jesus. I concur! He is wonderfully healthy and C is bouncing back with her usual superwoman speed. She has been nothing short of an inspiration to me through this whole thing. She's tough, patient, caring, and she has a mighty cute ass!
  I'm going back to work Sunday night. (unfortunately) I've gotten used to watching movies with a cute little baby sleeping on my lap. If only I could make money that way.
  My dogs are acclimating to the baby quite well. The Beagle is pretty much indifferent. He sniffed the baby once or twice and decided he didn't smell tasty. That was the end of his interest. Mason was a bit over excited the first day, but he's calm now. He just really wanted to know what G was. Such good puppies! Now my zoo is complete. 2 dogs, 2 birds, a fish, a cheeky monkey, and a cheeky baby.
  I can't wait to see you all again. Know that we're doing very well and adjusting just fine. I'd like to thank all of you again for all the gifts, baby stuff, and kind wishes. Without all of you, this journey could have been a lot rockier!

It's 11:30 PM Saturday night. Cori is in bed hopefully sleeping. We were both up all night last night trying to time inconsistent contractions. She's been having contractions for a couple days now. We called the Doctor this evening to find out if this is normal. Apparently it is. I wish I could help her somehow, but I can't. I can only try to be supportive. I'm not even sure if I'm doing that well.
  There's only one day left for her to have the baby without being induced. Strangely enough that is my sister's 26th birthday. She would be ecstatic to share her birthday with her new nephew.
  I was thinking today how  I hope my son is interested in music. No matter what he is interested in, I will always support him. It would be cool though.

 
Sadness emanates from my fingertips as I caress the ebony and ivory of an old friend
 the music is soothing and carries me away. It allows me to pour out my heart without a single word spoken.
It cries for me, The weeping of the notes in the air shed audible tears that I myself, can no longer shed.
The soft melodic sound building effortlessly to a frenzied crescendo speaks of my love, passion, and pain.
The smiles and sunny days are reflected in the majors while my ever present darkness and foreboding lies buried in the minors.
Memories and yearnings brought back by  measures and stanzas. Perhaps, my friend suggests, I need a little REST!

 Here I am posting for once. I'm still awake at 10 am on a Friday. I came home from work at 7:30 Am and mowed the lawn. I'm gonna try to stay up today and spend time with Cori.
  The other night at work 3 of us lucky employees were told to tear up a carpet from an office. We tore up the carpet and all the tile underneath came with it. We were in the room for about 5 hours heaving around this large mass of carpet and tile, creating endless clouds of dust. No big deal right? Well the next night we come in and that office is secured with caution tape and "asbestos area" signs. Apparently all that tile was asbestos. Now we're trying to figure out if there's any legal action we can take against the company. They never mentioned asbestos and the supervisors have been at that company for over 40 years. Well, that carpet has only been there for 14 years. you'd think they'd know about the asbestos. Considering the whole factory is swarming with it anyway. Usually the asbestos in the plant is avoided and largely undisturbed, making it legal to be there. Not this time. I've been comnsidering filing a complaint with OSHA, but my common sensical mind tells me that losing my job would suck too. Yes, i know they can't fire you for that, but, shitty people have sneaky ways of fucking over good people.
  Any advice out there?

I got to hang out with my sister and Cori's sister and inevitable boyfriend.(owner of evil VW Jetta) It's been a long couple months. I'm desperately trying to complete a list of projects before Gavin enters the world. I've been working so hard that being at work has been restful. So I've been killing myself on basically a daily basis. I worked from 11-7 last night, came home and mowed the lawn, weedwhacked, and raked. Then I cleaned out the gutters on the house. I started to paint the baby's crib, but the paint reacted funny with the primer and started bubbling up. That really pissed me off. At that point I was ready for bed. So, I showered and crashed for a few hours until Cori got home. Now it's 11:30 PM and I not able to sleep due to my being used to just arriving at work. I am tired so maybe I'll get to sleep in the next couple hours. Maybe I'll text message D and see if she is up and willing to chat.
  I've been reading Padraig's posts and literally LOLing. Pat, I love you man! (in a completely hetero way Hill!!!!!!)

Busy day so far. Cori and I got up and had a real breakfast. It was followed by some piano playing while drinking my coffee. Then we went to my brothers house in Slatington, PA to retrieve our replacement fridge. H e got a new one and his old one was in much better condition than our old one. Actually, we had been waiting for it to die for a couple months. So we brought the fridge home in my truck and cleaned the highway bugs off of it. Then we cleaned  the inevitable 4 and 5 year old niece mess out of it. It's convenient to clean a fridge on the front porch because you can just use a hose.
  Cori fell asleep on the chair on the front porch in the sun. I had to wake her up and make her go inside before she and the baby were char broiled. Now she is sleeping rather cutely on the couch with the dogs sleeping on the floor. The beagle is sleeping on the other dog's ass. That is the epitome of cuteness!!!!